Not happy.

The latest couple of months, I’ve been feeling insecure about myself. I’ve also been very sad and felt like my life is in 1000 pieces. I just want to write all my feelings down. 

Feeling insecure about yourself is heartbreaking, this is usually the thought that wanders around my head the most. It really tears me down. That my own mind always wants to bring me down, before it was other people that picked on me. But now it’s just my own head, on and on and on. The kind thoughts are mostly about my appearance, like how I dress or the way I talk. But then it goes into so much deeper things, like how I act, am I too excited all the time? Naive? Why does it feel like everyone always take a step back when I’m in the room. Is it my fault that nobody is here with me anymore today?

I don’t have any friends where I live, that makes me insecure too, what if my old friends see me as a failure? But maybe I am, I’m not happy in my school, it’s not the people or the school, it was me who bit off more than I could chew. I can’t keep up in school anymore, I’m exhausted and can no longer find any motivation.

Because I’m so lonely, I barely talk with anyone but my family when I get home from school. I make up all these scenarios, especially about the future. Funny conversations that I hope will take place sometimes, and getting back to ”reality” makes me so sad. Knowing that I actually don’t have so many people to talk about, that hurts me a lot. Because I’ve always been a social person, I like to be heard and seen.

The latest couple of weeks, the tears have just poured down my chins, on the bus, in my classes or right before going to sleep. I don’t have the energy to keep them from coming anymore, and I just want a hug, a hug that tells me that everything is going to be okay. There’s only one person that can make me genuinely happy, that’s my boyfriend. But we don’t see each other that much, he has his own life that he has to take care of. He can’t take care of me all the time, I know that, but he’s the only person I socialize with.

I don’t know if this is abnormal, but I wish that people started to talk about their feelings more because it’s okay to feel completely broken, like I do.

I’ve completely lost myself in a stormy ocean of thoughts, this post isn’t about self-hatred, because actually, I really like myself. It’s just a post about my daily feelings and thoughts. Sorry for the long blog post.

 

18 thoughts on “Not happy.

  1. You are not alone. I totally understand how you are feeling right now as I am going through a miserable situation these days. It also pains me a lot when I can’t find someone reliable and trustworthy to crave meaningful, authentic connection with. Let the tears flow, and remind yourself there is always sunshine after gloomy clouds. I am here with you and warm hugs to you!

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  2. Thank you for sharing. I write a lot about rebuilding and getting through hard times if you want to check it out. I totally understand everything you are going through. The good news, it always turns around and gets better. Sending so much love. Xo, Ellese

    Rock.Paper.Glam.

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  3. Sluta spamma din blogg på andra bloggar (bloggbevakning, svenskayoutubers osv). Skitstörande. Du får absolut ha din blogg men sluta spamma din jävla länk överallt. TACK!

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  4. Oh, sweetie! YOU ARE NOT alone and trust me when I say this: It will get better! When I was in high-school I was bullied and I have to laugh now (I am an adult now) because even though it was a tough time it only made me stronger! I am sure that there many people who love you! Sending lots of love!!
    xoxo, Vanessa
    http://www.WhatWouldVWear.com

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  5. I was very lonely when I was your age (am now 44 and found you via Sandra’s blog), and this period you are going through will make you stronger in the end. I found ‘my people’ when I started university, because then you find people that are interested in the same things and you can kind of start over since nobody knows you since before. If you don’t go to university, maybe you can find them at a new job, a new school or something else. Maybe when you go to college. It will be fine, promise. Being a teenager really sucked for me from a social point of view, but I learned how to be alone – and this has helped me a lot and has also made me more brave. As an example, I moved abroad 10 years ago without knowing anyone and as I was used to being alone from when I was younger it was not so scary because I knew I can handle it. Just hang in there, it will get better.

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